For some reason I’ve been on a kick to find healthy pizza recipes. Pizza is my Achille’s heel, it’s the one thing above all else I hate to give up. I’ve resorted to tortilla pizzas and english muffin pizzas in the past when I’m trying to cut calories, but it’s never the same thing. Recently I Facebooked my many attempts at cauliflower pizza crust, which while not terrible, is a lot of damn work for a pizza. A lot more than using the internet to order a delicious one. Recently a friend posted a recipe for Quinoa pizza crust on my wall. Me, being the pizza lover I am, decided I had to try it. This blog post is a public service announcement to the world . . . DO NOT MAKE THIS!

Reason number one I should have been skeptical this would be good . . . quinoa is gross. I know it’s one of these new fad superfoods, but it is gross. Every way I have ever tried it, it sucks. Why did I think a pizza crust made of this crap would taste good?

Reason number two I should have known to stop . . . the smell. The recipe calls for you to not cook the quinoa, but soak it for eight hours in water. It smells like spunk. I am not even kidding. It smelled like someone masturbated all over my kitchen. Why did I think this would be good? If any lesbians are reading this and don’t know what this smells like, it smells like bleach.

Reason number three . . . after I made it, and seasoned the fuck out of it, it still stank to hell . . . and it looked like vomit. Okay it also looked like oatmeal, or porridge, maybe cream of wheat, all which look like vomit. They at least smell and don’t taste terrible, this did. I think this might be one of the only things that if you threw up, would taste better coming back up.

When it cooked it was heavy, really heavy, like a brick heavy. That was reason number four I should have known this wasn’t going to be good. The density of this crust is less than the amount of poop it’s going to produce, that is a scientific fact. I still continued and tried to make the best of this disaster.

Unfortunately no amount of sauce, cheese, pepperoni, or whatever toppings you pick will be able to mask the fact that this is not pizza. Pizza should not taste like this. The nasty spunk crust still overpowers everything. This is worse than the time I tried flaxseed crust, and I never tried that again. If I want healthy pizza in the future I’ll either use a tortilla, or slap myself to remember that healthy pizza is like Santa Clause, it doesn’t exist.

If I have not yet convinced you that you do not want to eat this, well the recipe is below. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. This is pizza crust is probably the closest experience most of us will have as to what it’s like to be a starving Ethiopian child eating dirt and waiting for Sally Struthers to drop off some Chef Boyardee cans to the village. And those only cost pennies a day, quinoa is really fucking expensive. I could have ordered a pizza for cheaper than this.