Late last night, after hours and hours of debates and testimonies, the New Jersey Assembly approved of a gay marriage bill that now goes to the Senate on Thursday for a vote. Here in Jersey we have a new Republican Governor coming in that has made it clear, he’ll veto any gay marriage bill given to him. For many they see this as the last chance to get this past for anywhere from 4 to 8 years. Sure we could put it to a public vote, and while the tide is turning in favor of gay marriage each year, again it could be 5-10 years before the vote is in and people accept it and stop putting it back up for votes.

The following is a DRAFT of a letter I have written and am going to email off to my representatives. I am probably going to send it early tomorrow morning, after I have a chance to sleep on it and read it over one last time. It’s also pretty long, so in case they don’t feel like reading it, well I’m gunna call them as well and at least leave them a voicemail.

Dear . . . . . (my district Senator and two assemblyman’s names go here)

I am writing about the upcoming New Jersey senate vote on gay marriage, and should it pass the senate I know it goes back to the New Jersey assembly. Therefore this letter is being sent to all who represent District 6 in New Jersey government.

As a gay man who has been in a faithful and monogamous relationship going on 8 years now (statistically longer than most straights stay married!), this vote and this law is very important to me. I am writing to explain why that is, why it’s not only important to me, but to all of New Jersey.

Someone told me today (and a lot lately with this issue being in the media) “Why can’t you just have a ceremony, exchange rings and call yourself married?” I responded that I can paint my body blue, put on white shorts and call myself a smurf; but it doesn’t make it so. I want to be married and when I say I’m married know in my mind heart that it’s true. I’m not asking for anyone else’s acceptance, there are countless marriages in existence today that are not accepted or recognized by families, friends and even churches. However those people still know in their hearts and minds, they are married. Even if their church, friends or own parents refuse to acknowledge or accept their marriage, they know to each other they are married.

I want to be married because it is the ultimate commitment two people in love can make. I have forgone the civil union law for that very reason. People don’t get down on one knee to ask someone to civil union them. Why? Because a civil union simply a government contract. It’s not personal, it has no real meaning or feeling like marriage does. Marriage isn’t just about religion, you can get married and not be religious or attend church. It’s not just about benefits and rights, most people don’t enter into a marriage simply for the tax perks and health insurance. Marriage is about feelings, it’s about happiness, it’s about joy, it’s about love. Can those things be attached to a civil union the same way they can to a marriage? I would say no, and many heterosexuals prove that when they choose to get married in New Jersey rather than get a civil union, which is in fact an option open to them.

Many people have also said to me lately that New Jersey has more important things like the economy and job market to be dealing with rather than this gay marriage thing. I am a responsible tax paying citizen. I am so honest on my taxes that even my republican friends think I’m nuts. How many people can say they don’t cheat on their taxes? I currently have no debt, aside from a few credit card bills. How many New Jerseyans or Americans can say that? In fact I put myself through graduate school without taking a single student loan out! I’m good enough to be an educator in the University system, teaching New Jersey’s youth and the future of tomorrow, but I am not good enough to be married. I am a scientist who publishes and presents at local and national conferences, contributing to the preservation of the archaeology and history of New Jersey; but I am not good enough to be married.

My partner John Ebert’s family owns and runs Springdale Farms in Cherry Hill, the townships last working farm. He is also vice president and a vital one-third of the business. His business employees people in New Jersey. His business provides fresh locally grown food to people in New Jersey. John is good enough to provide jobs to New Jersey, to to contribute to the economy of New Jersey, to feed New Jersey; but not good enough to be married.

The farm also has a conservatory which is very popular for parties of all types, as well as weddings. John, who is also the farm’s florist among many other things, is always in demand to do arrangements for weddings. He’s so in demand that in recent years he’s had to turn away jobs because he doesn’t have the time with his other responsibilities. John can host weddings and do floral arrangements for weddings, just not his own.

So to those who say New Jersey has more important problems facing them right now than gay marriage, I respond with the following. We are the conscious tax payers of New Jersey. We are the educators of the future residents of New Jersey. We are the scientists preserving and keeping the history of New Jersey. We are the business owners employing New Jersey. We are the farmers feeding New Jersey. I would ask those who would deny me marriage, what contributions are you making to New Jersey? We can easily take our talents (and tax dollars!) and move to a state that supports us and our desire to be married. In doing so all we lose is the ability to call New Jersey home. What does New Jersey lose if we leave? Maybe to some just two residents living in moral sin, but to others two valuable residents contributing a lot to this state when it needs all the help it can get.

There are those who wish to make sure I as a gay man cannot marry, and they give a variety of reasons such as protecting marriage and tradition. However in all honesty, the rules of marriage for heterosexuals have been changed countless times over the years to better their situation as society and cultures evolved. The main reason for opposing gay marriage is and always will be the religious beliefs of some. A catholic priest and church is under no obligation to marry a couple who are atheists. Likewise a jewish temple probably won’t marry a couple who aren’t both jewish. However if the state of New Jersey used these very same reasons to deny marriage licenses to those same straight couples, they would be slammed with lawsuits that they were discriminating against and denying basic rights because of religious beliefs. I find it odd that the state can’t deny straight people the right of marriage based on religion or morals, but can deny gays marriage because of religion and morals. That is what makes denying gays the right to marry religious discrimination pure and simple.

If people want to really protect the sanctity of marriage, I’d advise them to look at themselves first. I can marry a complete stranger tomorrow if I choose, as long as they are of the opposite sex. Then I can file for divorce or annulment the following day. Plenty of drunk people do it all the time, just ask Britney Spears. How are they not damaging marriage? Then there are those like the late Anna Nicole Smith who marry men on their death beds for money. Where are the calls for laws protecting marriage from the likes of these people?

Let’s face reality, gays cannot marry in New Jersey and most of the US, so if marriage needs protecting, it’s not from two loving people who want to be committed to one another. We should start protecting marriage, if that really is what people want to do, by strengthening divorce laws and making them more difficult to get. At the same time how about making it more difficult to marry? I would suggest the same stringent laws that the immigration department uses in evaluating marriages between Americans and foreigners wanting to become citizens be used for all marriages. Of course my guess is the majority of Americans would not stand for this. It’s always easier when we call for laws that affect anyone but ourselves. It’s always easier to blame the other party as what’s wrong with X in America today, without working to change our own flaws and contributions to the problem.

Sincerely
R. Dustin Cushman